Ramblings - Shhhh!

In the LDS community it seems there are some things people don’t really want to talk about or are embarrassed by or don’t voice their opinion of because of guilt or the fear of being judged. I was there. I get it. Honestly, I think that going through my husband’s cancer treatments helped open my eyes and realize that it just doesn’t matter what other people think or say, but it’s their problem and not yours. I know that’s a weird lesson to learn from a trial, but I remember one day when we were at a grocery store and I was doing all the lifting and shopping and he was in a driving cart and I just wondered if other people were wondering why he wasn’t doing anything at all to help me or why someone who appears to be healthy was in a driving cart. And it dawned on me that it doesn’t matter AT ALL what they think. I knew why he couldn’t help me and why he needed that cart. Wow, that was completely a side note.

                Anyway. What we don’t want to talk about or have a skewed perspective of:

*Pornography (although I think we as a people are getting a bit better about being more open to acknowledging that it’s a huge problem).

I think porn is worse than cancer. It kills your soul. I would rather have my body die than my soul. It’s a terrible thing that Satan has done (but then, what else is new.) I mean, he takes a woman (I know, men too) and turns her into an object, not to be cherished or loved, but to be an object of lust and desire. There are so many disgusting and terrible things that are considered porn. I have not delved into that, but there have been a few times in my life I’ve had the misfortune to see some of that, and I’m sure what I saw didn’t even compare to what’s out there.

*Coming home from a mission early. (Still a sore subject for me, and no, I don’t publicly announce that my son came home early.)

Sometimes this happens. Reasons vary as much as people vary. The thing is, sometimes returned missionaries are released early having served honorably. Some return for physical or health reasons. Some return for other reasons (you know, the ones we don’t want to talk about). Something I learned – don’t ask a parent why their child came home early. Really, it’s none of your business. Love the parent, who is probably struggling with this. Let them know you support them (without actually saying that!). One of the hardest things for me was telling my family (hence the reason we don’t want to talk about it – its kind of embarrassing).

*Children – a) not having children; b) having a lot of children; c) pregnancy out of wedlock.

A) Sometimes it is not our choice to not have children. This I know from experience. I felt many emotions throughout the first seven years of our marriage. Personal emotions and those directed to other people as well. People who often not-so-subtly judged me. Because the church is all about families and if you don’t have one, you often feel like an outcast. People who do not have infertility issues cannot understand the feelings experienced by those who do. Just like I can’t understand the feelings of, say, a divorced person. Asking someone if they are pregnant is another sore issue with me. Just because I’ve gained weight, it does not mean I’m pregnant. And even if I were, it isn’t any of your business.

B) What about those who have a lot of kids. Well, really it depends on what you consider a lot. Five is enough for me, six is a lot. Some people think that three is a lot, while others think that 8 or more is a lot. And, it’s none of your business.

 

C) Pregnancy happens when you have sex. Whether you are married or not. I understand the desire to have sex. It’s nice. It’s fun. And, it’s one of those things that Satan has turned around into something that is ‘good’ no matter who, what, when, where. So, sometimes even people in the church have sex outside of marriage. Again, we are not perfect! It is not for us to judge. And again, that is where love comes in. And, one more time ..... IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

*Marriage – being single without having married or being divorced (sometimes more than once)

So, during my short period of life that I was an adult and not married, I graduated high school, left for the summer, went to one quarter of college (that’s another embarrassment), got engaged, ended the engagement, got engaged again, and then got married at 20. So I really have no experience with ‘being single’. And I have no experience with divorce either, except for loved ones who have gone through it. I do however think that there is often a lot of pressure to get married. I had a co-worker tell me that his parents told him not to rush it or feel pressured into it, but to enjoy life now and let it happen when it happens. He was pretty happy that his parents basically told him he didn’t have to get married…at this point in his life. That’s something that’s hard to do as a parent is let go of ‘control’ and let our kids finally decide for themselves where their life is going to go. Again, stuff happens. Enough judgment already.

*What ‘sin’ caused your illness(es) – I am opposed to this thought. Illness happens, cancer happens, chronic conditions happen, stuff happens. I do not believe that God "punishes" us by making us sick. I do, however, believe that OUR guilt can cause physical/mental/emotional issues. Forgive yourself! Don't drag it on for years, how in the world does that help you - at all - ever?

*Asking for help – why are people so ‘prideful’ that they cannot ask for help. Sometimes financial things happen. Before we moved we were on the tightest budget we’ve ever been on with kids. It was hard! But we decided that if there was anything we couldn’t do, it was to not pay our mortgage. We had to have a house, and we could live without internet, tv, electricity even. Thankfully, it didn’t come down to that. We were blessed in that way. I guess that’s another thing I learned from cancer – it’s ok to ask for help. People are more than happy to help you, so just do it.